Wednesday, May 10, 2006

Whine, Whine, Whine...


"Add me to your enemies list! Why don't you have more links to friends? Where have you been lately? Is Satan still blogging?"

First, yes, I do still exist. I'm an eternal non-corporeal entity, much like angels. There isn't a dang thing anyone can do about it. In fact, after I convince the president of Iran to nuke everyone off the face of the earth, and only like 3 people survive, and are taken back years technologically, and build up the human race, and somebody invents computers again, and starts another blogging program, I will resume this blog again.

Also, you people whine like you've forgotten that I practically invented the whine. I believe it was something like this:

You know who: "I shall create man in my image after my likeness!"

ME: "But G--, why did you have to creat man in your image? I wanted to be the most beutiful of your creation. Why? I thought I was your favorite!

YKW: It is my plan Lucifer. You still hold a special place, being the angel of light, and you will use this to serve man well.

ME: "NO! Man should serve ME! I'm the best.

YKW: You are, are you? ZAP!

ME: (Looking around. Nobody else is here. Its just hot and there are nothing but flames.) "You can't fire me! I quit!"

And so here we are. I'm still out of the family, and he is still... well you know who he is. But hearing all the whining here makes me understand why I got the boot. I don't know how he puts up with you people. If I got the boot so soon, how come this random list of whines hasn't caused any humans to drop dead and descend straight into the depths of my inferno?

Top 10 Whines I've inspired in the world...(in no particular order(must be read with one of those high pitch nasally child know the one I'm talking about))

1) What does that white old man in the vatican know about me and my situation anyway? (usually uttered by people who are Catholic, but don't really like it)

2) Why isn't the Church letting me use my gifts as a priest? Priestly people come in both sexes! I'm sure Jesus would have ordained women! (I don't have to tell you who's uttering this one)

3) I would be a priest, G--, but I like women too much. It's your fault that I'm attracted to women! (To think I've ruined vocations by this logic. hah!)

4) Why is Mass so boring? Why can't we liven it up a little, you know, get some dancing girls, maybe some catchier tunes? (uttered by Cardinal Mahoney, in his pre-cardinal days)

5) What did I do to deserve this? (um, let me see. Who hasn't said this one?)

6) Why do I have to wait until I'm married to have fun with a member of the opposite sex? (The people making this Whine are getting younger and younger... Which is exactly why we need condoms in our elementary schools! heh heh heh. I remember when hula hoops were fun.)

7) Why didn't you just make John Kerry win the last election? (usually uttered by democrats to G--)

8) Why the hell did these people nominate me, anyway? THey were setting me up for failure! (uttered by John Kerry to his advisors. He doesn't really believe in G--)

9) Who are you to say the Da-vinci code isn't true, Amy Welborn? (usuallty uttered by idiots, to, well, Amy Welborn.)

10) Who decides what is true, anyway. (usually uttered by people who think they are smart)

Well, I admit. I didn't really think those feel free to add some of your favorite whines in the comment box below! I'll add mine to the bottom of this post, and it will be a fun old time.

Until next time...

Remember my motto: Condoms help everyone!


Blogger Thomas said...

All 10 commandments? All the time? Can't I just pick my "top 3"?!

7:28 PM  
Anonymous CaesarMagnus said...


10:29 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

But Moooooom...

5:10 AM  
Blogger Danny Garland Jr. said...

Why should I listen to a celibate priest tell me about my marriage?

8:43 AM  
Anonymous The Monkey of Doom said...

This one's a classic.

"The [insert anything created by G-D in here] that YOU put here is to blame for [whatever I just did]. So it's really your fault, G-D! BOOHOOHOO!"

It never grows old, somehow.

G-D bless y'all

9:45 AM  
Anonymous RyanL said...


You're right - it doesn't get old. First known usage of that particular whine is Gen 3:12 The man [Adam] said, "The woman you put here with me—she gave me some fruit from the tree, and I ate it." This, of course, was immediately followed by Gen 3:13 The woman said, "The serpent deceived me, and I ate."

Yup - it's a classic. I'm so glad we now have the phrase "blame-shifting".

Another one of my faves is the following:
Why should I have to do it? Am I my brother's keeper? (Gen 4:9)

Satan (Lord of all things foul), you should have spaced them out. By the end of Genesis, all the good whines were already taken.


6:10 PM  
Anonymous Stacey said...

But you can't tell me what to do. We all have different values. If it's wrong for you, it doesn't make it wrong for me.

8:09 PM  
Blogger Danny Garland Jr. said...

Ahh...the pluriform truth whine. Satan's finest work.

8:33 PM  
Blogger Ma Beck said...

Why should I have to tell my sins to a priest?
Why can't I just tell them to God?

9:35 PM  
Blogger Jared said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

12:42 AM  
Blogger Jared said...

Yeah, I think you skipped telling the part where Michael (y'know, the archangel from down the hall at your old job?) kicked yer light-bearin' @$$. Or the part where, even when a group of your co-workers got together to try to go on strike, THEY got their butts kicked?

Oo, oo ... how 'bout the part where ... this is hilarious to me ... the part where a bunch of us lowly corporeal-types get to come to your and your buddy's desks and get to sit in your chairs?

12:44 AM  
Blogger friar minor said...

It just shows what kind of world we live in when you can depend on the devil himself for proper catechesis, but you can't get it from your own priest half the time.

6:42 AM  
Blogger Ma Beck said...

I can always depend on my priests for proper catechesis.
(And for a charitable scolding should I slip.)
And for crazy stuff like, I don't know, homilies about the evils of birth control and abortion and the necessity of Confession.
Sadly, I may be in the minority.

9:20 AM  
Blogger St. Jimbob of the Apokalypse said...

I live in a place where ol' Scratch would have a blast: Lincoln, Nebraska. I know, Satan asked for some 'fraternal correction' of our insane adherance to Catholic teaching,but I haven't heard a peep of it yet.

11:21 AM  
Blogger Ma Beck said...

St. Jimbob,
Yay, Lincoln!

5:45 PM  
Blogger Danny Garland Jr. said...

Wow, you really are at work here! I have never seen so many whines in one place:

8:36 AM  
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6:41 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

He he he... Nice blog nice entry. I am whining silently every day dear Satan!
I whine for food and clothing i cannot buy right now cause I am spending all my salary on other stuff...

Nice outfit Satan, you can really show that Humans and God that hey we deserve more from the prince of lies like you and God...

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