Friday, May 12, 2006

Famous Hollywood Actors

As most of you know, I have quite a lot of influence in the "entertainment industry." The reasons for this are several... First its nice to distract people from their prayer life. I mean, people can rarely sit and look at the tabernacle for one hour, yet I can convince them to watch television for two, three, perhaps even four or more hours on any given day. Sometimes my minions and I refer to television as Satan's Tabernacle...

But there are some other more subtle but way more hilarious ways my Hollywood influence pays off. Take for example this hilarious bit of propaganda. Its a letter from famous hollywood actress Gwyneth Paltrow and her less famous hollywood actress mother Blythe Danner! And its endorsing me and my friends at Planned Parenthood.

I considered many famous types to pull this off. But there had to be someone out there who didn't see babies as human more than the others. Then I remembered that Gwyneth and her also famous rockstar from the band coldplay husband actually named their daughter after something not even human. Apple. They named their daughter Apple.

Anyways, back to the letter. It is so nice to know I have friends in high places endorsing me and bringing the my culture of death more credibility. I especially like the way they end: "We need common sense sense solutions to the health issues we face throughout our lives. Planned Parenthood provides those solutions, helping millions of women each day, improving our communities and families. Thats why we support this amazing organization. We hope you will, too."

It doesn't get any more common sense than killing babies, huh Gwyneth! Next step is for Gwyneth and I to make this into a movie... Oh wait... It seems we already have.


Wednesday, May 10, 2006

Whine, Whine, Whine...

Seriously.

"Add me to your enemies list! Why don't you have more links to friends? Where have you been lately? Is Satan still blogging?"

First, yes, I do still exist. I'm an eternal non-corporeal entity, much like angels. There isn't a dang thing anyone can do about it. In fact, after I convince the president of Iran to nuke everyone off the face of the earth, and only like 3 people survive, and are taken back years technologically, and build up the human race, and somebody invents computers again, and starts another blogging program, I will resume this blog again.

Also, you people whine like you've forgotten that I practically invented the whine. I believe it was something like this:

You know who: "I shall create man in my image after my likeness!"

ME: "But G--, why did you have to creat man in your image? I wanted to be the most beutiful of your creation. Why? I thought I was your favorite!

YKW: It is my plan Lucifer. You still hold a special place, being the angel of light, and you will use this to serve man well.

ME: "NO! Man should serve ME! I'm the best.

YKW: You are, are you? ZAP!

ME: (Looking around. Nobody else is here. Its just hot and there are nothing but flames.) "You can't fire me! I quit!"

And so here we are. I'm still out of the family, and he is still... well you know who he is. But hearing all the whining here makes me understand why I got the boot. I don't know how he puts up with you people. If I got the boot so soon, how come this random list of whines hasn't caused any humans to drop dead and descend straight into the depths of my inferno?

Top 10 Whines I've inspired in the world...(in no particular order(must be read with one of those high pitch nasally child voices...you know the one I'm talking about))

1) What does that white old man in the vatican know about me and my situation anyway? (usually uttered by people who are Catholic, but don't really like it)

2) Why isn't the Church letting me use my gifts as a priest? Priestly people come in both sexes! I'm sure Jesus would have ordained women! (I don't have to tell you who's uttering this one)

3) I would be a priest, G--, but I like women too much. It's your fault that I'm attracted to women! (To think I've ruined vocations by this logic. hah!)

4) Why is Mass so boring? Why can't we liven it up a little, you know, get some dancing girls, maybe some catchier tunes? (uttered by Cardinal Mahoney, in his pre-cardinal days)

5) What did I do to deserve this? (um, let me see. Who hasn't said this one?)

6) Why do I have to wait until I'm married to have fun with a member of the opposite sex? (The people making this Whine are getting younger and younger... Which is exactly why we need condoms in our elementary schools! heh heh heh. I remember when hula hoops were fun.)

7) Why didn't you just make John Kerry win the last election? (usually uttered by democrats to G--)

8) Why the hell did these people nominate me, anyway? THey were setting me up for failure! (uttered by John Kerry to his advisors. He doesn't really believe in G--)

9) Who are you to say the Da-vinci code isn't true, Amy Welborn? (usuallty uttered by idiots, to, well, Amy Welborn.)

10) Who decides what is true, anyway. (usually uttered by people who think they are smart)

Well, I admit. I didn't really think those through...so feel free to add some of your favorite whines in the comment box below! I'll add mine to the bottom of this post, and it will be a fun old time.

Until next time...

Remember my motto: Condoms help everyone!