Friday, May 12, 2006

Famous Hollywood Actors

As most of you know, I have quite a lot of influence in the "entertainment industry." The reasons for this are several... First its nice to distract people from their prayer life. I mean, people can rarely sit and look at the tabernacle for one hour, yet I can convince them to watch television for two, three, perhaps even four or more hours on any given day. Sometimes my minions and I refer to television as Satan's Tabernacle...

But there are some other more subtle but way more hilarious ways my Hollywood influence pays off. Take for example this hilarious bit of propaganda. Its a letter from famous hollywood actress Gwyneth Paltrow and her less famous hollywood actress mother Blythe Danner! And its endorsing me and my friends at Planned Parenthood.

I considered many famous types to pull this off. But there had to be someone out there who didn't see babies as human more than the others. Then I remembered that Gwyneth and her also famous rockstar from the band coldplay husband actually named their daughter after something not even human. Apple. They named their daughter Apple.

Anyways, back to the letter. It is so nice to know I have friends in high places endorsing me and bringing the my culture of death more credibility. I especially like the way they end: "We need common sense sense solutions to the health issues we face throughout our lives. Planned Parenthood provides those solutions, helping millions of women each day, improving our communities and families. Thats why we support this amazing organization. We hope you will, too."

It doesn't get any more common sense than killing babies, huh Gwyneth! Next step is for Gwyneth and I to make this into a movie... Oh wait... It seems we already have.


Wednesday, May 10, 2006

Whine, Whine, Whine...

Seriously.

"Add me to your enemies list! Why don't you have more links to friends? Where have you been lately? Is Satan still blogging?"

First, yes, I do still exist. I'm an eternal non-corporeal entity, much like angels. There isn't a dang thing anyone can do about it. In fact, after I convince the president of Iran to nuke everyone off the face of the earth, and only like 3 people survive, and are taken back years technologically, and build up the human race, and somebody invents computers again, and starts another blogging program, I will resume this blog again.

Also, you people whine like you've forgotten that I practically invented the whine. I believe it was something like this:

You know who: "I shall create man in my image after my likeness!"

ME: "But G--, why did you have to creat man in your image? I wanted to be the most beutiful of your creation. Why? I thought I was your favorite!

YKW: It is my plan Lucifer. You still hold a special place, being the angel of light, and you will use this to serve man well.

ME: "NO! Man should serve ME! I'm the best.

YKW: You are, are you? ZAP!

ME: (Looking around. Nobody else is here. Its just hot and there are nothing but flames.) "You can't fire me! I quit!"

And so here we are. I'm still out of the family, and he is still... well you know who he is. But hearing all the whining here makes me understand why I got the boot. I don't know how he puts up with you people. If I got the boot so soon, how come this random list of whines hasn't caused any humans to drop dead and descend straight into the depths of my inferno?

Top 10 Whines I've inspired in the world...(in no particular order(must be read with one of those high pitch nasally child voices...you know the one I'm talking about))

1) What does that white old man in the vatican know about me and my situation anyway? (usually uttered by people who are Catholic, but don't really like it)

2) Why isn't the Church letting me use my gifts as a priest? Priestly people come in both sexes! I'm sure Jesus would have ordained women! (I don't have to tell you who's uttering this one)

3) I would be a priest, G--, but I like women too much. It's your fault that I'm attracted to women! (To think I've ruined vocations by this logic. hah!)

4) Why is Mass so boring? Why can't we liven it up a little, you know, get some dancing girls, maybe some catchier tunes? (uttered by Cardinal Mahoney, in his pre-cardinal days)

5) What did I do to deserve this? (um, let me see. Who hasn't said this one?)

6) Why do I have to wait until I'm married to have fun with a member of the opposite sex? (The people making this Whine are getting younger and younger... Which is exactly why we need condoms in our elementary schools! heh heh heh. I remember when hula hoops were fun.)

7) Why didn't you just make John Kerry win the last election? (usually uttered by democrats to G--)

8) Why the hell did these people nominate me, anyway? THey were setting me up for failure! (uttered by John Kerry to his advisors. He doesn't really believe in G--)

9) Who are you to say the Da-vinci code isn't true, Amy Welborn? (usuallty uttered by idiots, to, well, Amy Welborn.)

10) Who decides what is true, anyway. (usually uttered by people who think they are smart)

Well, I admit. I didn't really think those through...so feel free to add some of your favorite whines in the comment box below! I'll add mine to the bottom of this post, and it will be a fun old time.

Until next time...

Remember my motto: Condoms help everyone!

Friday, April 21, 2006

Hard Drive

My hard drive crashed. I still haven't gotten a new one. I think it had something to do with the fact that Catholics are praying in Latin. That, and its really really hot down here, which can't be good for a computer either.

On to some mail:

Who is your favorite 20th century Pope?

Anonymous,
Anonymous, AN


First off Mr. Anonysuck, where is my title? Second off, how am I supposed to make fun of you or your city of residence if you don't leave it?

Onto your rather dimwitted question. I mean, seriously, thats like asking Skeletor who his favorite He-Man is. Or that evil transformer guy who his favorite Optimus Prime is. Or John Kerry who his favorite Smart Person is. I would say my favorite pope is this guy. I mean, seriously, this is some funny stuff. He even has his own encyclicals. Its like watching a child play Mass or something. Only this is much more pathetic, and not nearly as scary for me to watch.

Prince of Darkness and All That Crawls Loathesomely Upon the Earth,

Re: Danny Garland's comment. I never thought I'd make a deal with the Devil, but could you please smite him?

See you at the 161st Street stop on the "D" train,
The Digital Hairshirt

Mr. Shirt,

Way to address me! Mr. Anonymous should take some serious notes. You even got my favorite mode of transportation correct. Its not like I have to take the train. After all, I don't have a body or anything. But for every reason John rocker didn't like it, I ride it.

I immediately tried to honor your request of smiting someone, especially a Red Sox fan, but it was strange. It was like something much more powerful than me was stopping it. I wanted to smite him, but due to the fact of his Red Soxiness (or maybe his Red Sucksiness), I don't think God would let me. I mean, I put in a good effort, but unfortunately that Spirit of Truth thing out lasted me. Sorry.

Monday, April 17, 2006

Fiddlestix

So apparently I, Satan, am a plagiarist. Now usually plagiarism is quite a delightful thing for me to take part in. For example, I love it when Finals roll around at various colleges and convince kids to "borrow" other people's ideas. And then there was that time I got ol' Rich Mcbrien to "borrow" that article from that Boston Newspaper (heh heh, then I followed it up by getting him aquitted). But seriously, I saw this and was quite disapointed.

Its called Moloch Now. Well, actually since he hasn't posted for a while it should be called Moloch Then, or maybe Moloch Past, or Moloch Before. But still. He has links to his enemies and friends and everything. Horn Tip to Catholic Pillow fight for pointing it out.

But, In my own evil defense, I will say that this blog was my own Idea and this guy is NOT a minion of mine, although he may look like it. He is a good looking chap, and I'm sure you put a bottle of scotch between us we could have a blast. But I think he's some kind of free lancing devil wanabe... who happened to come up with an idea before I even could...Funny how I didn't see that one coming...

Anyways, another thing. To all you who wished me a happy easter. I'm really TOd at you. If I were you, I'd sleep next to your rosary tonight. Ah. Who am I kidding. I know you guys already do that.

Wednesday, April 12, 2006

Sorry...

You thought holy week was a busy time for Priests, huh. Well I bet I know someone who's a hell of a lot busier than them.

You guessed it: ME!

Not only is it holy week, which ends with one of the only days where every Catholic goes to church, but that damn Catechism Compendium thing came out. It even has prayrs in latin! Freaking Latin! I HATE LATIN!

So there you have it. This blog has kind of died this week because Catholics are going to Mass, and praying in freaking latin. I'm gonna go sit in a hole. Then maybe go watch Paris Hilton practice her Mother Theresa lines.

heh heh. Paris Hilton.

Thursday, April 06, 2006

Fan Mail

Hello my wonderful minions. My fans send me e-mail from time to time, and I think its nice to answer them every once in a while. If you have any questions for me, feel free to leave them in the comment box. That is, until I get my e-mail account linked to this thing.

Dark Lord,
I found your blog on a Catholic Website. Aren't you worried that Catholics are going to be able to track your every move?

Catherine D.
Skokie, IL


Thanks a lot Catherine. I am aware of the Catholic presence on this blog. I was actually worried about that when I started this thing. Then I figured that since I own most of the mainstream media anyways, and they are all quite on top of that, that this couldn't hurt. Thanks for your concern.

Your evilness,

Do you play baseball in Hell? Who do you think will win the world series this year?

Donovan Lewis
Detroit


Your Stupidness,
Did you make that Title up? What are you thinking?

Yes. I do play baseball down here. In fact, one of the only things that give the damned a break is when my minions and I are playing ball. I hit in the three hole. Since I'm a righty, I'm pretty good at pulling things to the left. In fact, pulling things to the left is what I do best. Evidence of this is the democratic party.

The Tigers will win the world series this year...

HAHAHAHAHA. Had you going, didn't I Donovan. My favorite team will be winning the World Series. That team is, of course, the Yankees!

Diablo,

I notice your favorite movie is Brokeback Mountain. Were you mad that this film didn't win best picture?

Kevin
St. Louis


Kevin. Bonus points for using a cool title, but from now on, if you ever write me again, please refer to your town as Louis. Having towns beginning with the S word doesn't exactly make me happy. By the way, that arch thing you guys have in Louis is pretty cool.

You might be surprised that I wasn't mad this film didn't win best picture. In fact, I'm quite pleased it did not win best picture. Why? Because the makers of this film completely snubbed me at the Golden Globes. They thanked almost everyone that helped make this film possible. But they forgot me! I've been working on this thing since Sodom and Gemorrah. Thats how much dedication I had on it. Then, those jerks, go ahead and pretend like it was their idea. I was happy enough that a film by a Scientologist won. Yup, the maker of CRASH is into that stuff. Plus, his other film, Million Dollar Baby, won in 2005. I still haven't come down from that high yet.

Tuesday, April 04, 2006

Wolves

“We are here this morning because, through our collective efforts, we are agents in bringing our fragile world ever closer to the promise of redemption,...As clergy from an array of denominations, we say yes to the call before us. Please join me in prayer: We praise you, God, ruler of time and space, for challenging us to bring healing and comfort to your world.” Amen.

Some of you at first glance might think hearing a quote like this throws me into convulsions worse than Holy Water blessed by the pope himself. Well consider the source!

You guessed it...PLANNED PARENTHOOD! Seriously, there's nothing I love more than wolves in sheeps clothing. planned parenthood prayer breakfast. I've thought of everything.
"They're a religious tradition, too,[referring to the religious right] and they are moved by Scripture," he said, although the Bible says nothing explicit about abortion.

I knew that Sola Scriptura stuff would come in handy one day.

It gets even more awesome...
"When we understood the suffering in these kinds of situations that women were in, we understood that for reasons of justice, we had to act. We're doing it for theological and Biblical reasons."

"The more we are able to cultivate the capacity in every person — women and men — to make informed ethical judgments both in ourselves and our society, the more we are coming into relationship with the transcendent, with God," said the Rev. Susan Thistlethwaite, president of Chicago Theological Seminary.

CHALK ONE UP ON THE BIG BOARD! ME 1 -- HE WHO SHALL NOT BE NAMED 0. Well, at least concerning this particular event.

I should order these people Pizza!